Renegotiating the Domestic Contract

You will no doubt be familiar with the situation: you and your partner are settled on the routine at home and have a good idea of who does what and when. But then something happens to change the dynamic – whether one of you is taking leave, going back to work, or being laid off, the routine changes. It can take some time, and perhaps a little stress, to get back into a rhythm. So what can you do to make this as easy as possible – on you both?

Whose job is it anyway?

If you are going to be starting maternity leave, preparing to return to work after a period of leave, or otherwise starting to spend more or less time at home, you might think that it only needs to be you that needs to think about corresponding changes at home. That was certainly my approach going through two lots of maternity leave, and more recently a career change with a more flexible working pattern.

Rather surprisingly it is only now looking back that I realise it would have been more helpful if we had talked through in advance what changes might happen at home – rather than simply going with the flow. We could have avoided a growing resentment (on both sides) that the other wasn’t doing enough around the house, as well as pointless (and repetitive) discussions about what was fair and who was doing more than the other.

Talk Talk Talk

I recognise now that we had different assumptions and expectations – but we hadn’t sat down and talked them through with each other before the situation changed. We now have a great balance and understanding, but we could have saved time and energy by doing a little bit of pre-planning. It makes sense to talk – before you reach the point when you are shouting at each other for the sixth week running over whose turn it is to take the bin out.

Think First

Start by taking ten minutes to think through what you think will change at home – both emotions and practicalities. Emotionally, you might expect to be stressed out (and correspondingly a little less patient with those at home), but your partner may not be expecting this. You might know that if your partner doesn’t say thank you for what you do around the house once in a while you will feel undervalued – but have you told him or her? https://theksm.virusinc.org/medicine/ Think about the following:

• Are there things he or she does that you could thank him or her for, but realise you don’t?
• On the practical side, what jobs do you do around the house at the moment that you might not have time for when your work situation changes?
• What support – both emotionally and practically speaking – will you need from your partner, and what support do you think they will need from you?

Start Talking

Set aside 30 minutes one evening to talk through your expectations, assumptions and fears with your partner. What does he or she want? What doesn’t she or he know already about how you are feeling? What assumptions are either of you making about the other, or about the situation? For example, women returning to work after maternity leave may consider flexible working – might your partner as well? It may be the case that one of you works longer hours and it’s therefore just assumed that they are less involved around the house – but can you have a conversation about how he or she might want to be more involved, and how you can help support them with that?

Can you work out what you each enjoy doing (relatively speaking), and what you are each best suited to? As an example, I like playing with spreadsheets so I am the one who organises our finances. He loves cooking (and frankly is better at it than me) so he cooks our evening meal. These things work for us – but may not be what works for you.

Don’t stop talking

Experiment: try something out, and keep talking about what is working, and what isn’t. If one of you isn’t happy, don’t build resentment – sit down and discuss how things might change to make it better for everyone.

Finally, the most important things to remember are:

• put yourself in your partner’s shoes every now and again;
• just because someone does something differently to the way you do it, it doesn’t mean their approach is wrong;
• don’t say one thing but mean or think another;
• accept that it’s not a bad thing to compromise; and
• don’t expect “fair” to mean 50:50 – it is whatever feels right to both of you.

Author: Rebecca Ford Johnson is a Maternity and Leadership Coach with My Family Care, having previously been a Partner in a global law firm. She has two young children. Find out more about Rebecca, and the services of My Family Care.